The meme about liberals goes that they possess no capacity to change their minds in the face of rational arguments. Present them with irrefutable facts, neo-cons say, and they steadfastly stick to the party line like Larry Craig to an airport gloryhole. Iraq was a slam dunk, so why the hell would liberals want to be such dicks? After all the war liberation would pay for itself, right? And probably would have if liberals had stopped yapping and got on board the bush-mobile.
But we wouldn’t. We hated America and freedom and God and KBR and no-bid contracts. What, my liberal brethren, were we thinking??
Thus, when Scott Brown pimped out his daughters to “anyone who’s watching throughout the country” my immediate liberal knee jerk reaction was to pick up my feng shui book (always on the coffee table) and cast out the bad vibes in the room. And then I renewed my NOW and ACLU membership. I spent the rest of the evening in fetal position hating God and the patriarchy.
This morning I jumped in the car and, for some reason, turned on WTKK (Boston Talks) and heard Michael Graham holding forth on how liberals (like me) could get so bent out of shape about a simple joke that any normal father in America would make about their daughters
And as always, I rely on Gail’s love and support and that of our two lovely daughters. So i want to thank Ayla and Arianna for their help as well. And just in case anyone who’s watching throughout the country they’re both available. No, no no. No. Only kidding, only kidding. Only kidding, only kidding. Arianna’s definitely not available. But Ayla is.
Party-line, brainwashed liberal that I am, I’d forgotten, as Graham pointed out that “this whole fathers-paying-for-their-daughter’s-marriage thing came from a time when daughters were hard to move merchandise.” I guess I hadn’t looked it that way. He took call after call from normal parent after normal parent assuring him that, no, he wasn’t crazy. Scott Brown simply showed his affection for his daughters by telling the country how fuckable they were…after some anonymous American married them first, of course.
“I’d love to find a nice guy for my daughter to hook up with,” one male caller told Graham, “and I mean ‘hook up’ in the old sense of the word, not, ya know, the…new one.” Hm. Did I miss an evolutionary step of the phrase “hook up”? Well, I’m old and married so why should I be following that.
A woman called up to say that she would do the exact same thing to her son.
Woman: Oh, all the time! If we were in Starbucks, I’d always say he was available.
Graham: Starbucks? I mean…were you trying to hook him up with another guy?
Good point! You might find that statement assumptive but mothers frequently cause homosexuality in their sons and only gay men hang out in Starbucks. So…ya know.
By this time I’d hit redial on my cellphone about 58 times. Finally, I got through. The screener asked what my comment was and, still closed-minded, I said I found it really creep for Brown to pimp out his daughters like that. He told me to stay on the line.
So I did.
And as I did, I listened. I listened carefully. I opened my ears AND I opened my mind. And something odd happened – I understood. I saw it all very clearly in a way that my liberal brain, clouded by rationality and reason and reality-based media, could not see previously.
Scott Brown showed the ultimate affection to his daughters by embarrassing them on national television…because that’s what dads do. All dads. That’s our job. To embarrass our daughters in public. It made so much sense. As I reeled from this discovery, Graham picked up my call.
Graham: You’re on the air. What’s on your mind?
Me: Hey. You know, when I first called I planned on saying that this whole thing creeped me out – this whole pimping-your-daughter thing. But waiting on hold, I think I get it. You’ve really changed my mind about it.
Graham: That’s great! You got daughters?
Me: Yeah, two of ’em
Graham: How old?
Me: 13 and 16.
Graham: (computing in his head) Yeeeeeeah, that’s just about the right age for you to start saying that kind of thing.
Me: Yeah, probably. But here’s the other thing I was thinking.
Graham: What’s that?
Me: See, it makes so much sense to me now. All he’s doing is showing appropriate love for his daughters…
Me: And he is who he is…
Me: …and if I were the kind of dad that posed nude in Cosom, I’d probably say that kind of thing, too. He just wants them to have what he had…
Me: Yeah, I mean, I’m hoping to see both of them in Playboy or Penthouse soon.
Graham: (blindsided but getting it) …HA!…that’s…
Me: …And I bet that he could help with that!
Graham: …that’s…that’s really funny
Me: I really do
Graham: (hangs up)
So, Scott – Larry Flynt is waiting for you and/or your daughters to call him. Because they’re really fucking HOTT, buddy. And every psycho in America knows they’re available. At least Ayla is.