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In Which They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

April 9th, 2013 No comments

I’m on record as stating that Rick The Dogboy Santorum will be the 2016 GOP nominee should he decide to run. It’s his turn. At the heart of the GOP lies a rigidity to the rules that never does it service. Thus, since Santorum came in 2nd in 2012, he gets the nod in 2016 just as Romney (despite being the worst possible candidate) got the nod for coming in 2nd in 2008.

Ricky’s already spilling his political seed in Iowa, laying the groundwork for his dogged adherence (get it??) to some 12th century vision of a perfect world where no one is gay, sex is only for pro-creation and witch burnings happen every Tuesday in the town square.

“I’m sure you could go back and read stories, oh, you know, ‘The Republican Party’s going to change. This is the future.’ Obviously, that didn’t happen,” Santorum told the Register. “I think you’re going to see the same stories written now, and it’s not going to happen. The Republican Party’s not going to change on this issue. In my opinion, it would be suicidal if it did.

The Republican Party needs to kill itself. I think a lot of Republicans understand this. The real story of the Obama Presidency looks like how the GOP finally destroyed itself on its socially conservative rhetoric. It turns out that allowing gays to serve openly in the military didn’t bring about The Rapture. John and Jane Q. Public know that. Perhaps, when DADT still reigned, they thought it might. But it didn’t. It’s not that the Republican bosses lied to them about toads falling from the skies if DADT got lifted. It just didn’t happen.  Even Grandma and Grandpa Q. Public realize that, while it might make them physically sick (or aroused) to imagine the marital bed of two husbands or two wives, it’s really not their business and, anyway, that gay couple down the street always smiles and says hello.

Santorum and the other self-flagellators of the GOP represent the end of the line. Yes, the GOP as it stands today will continue to blather on about gays and abortion and God and guns. They may even damage the economy again with their instance that giving money to the wealthy makes they poor richer. But once Santorum and Rubio and Cantor get reverently tucked into their transports to Heaven and buried in the ground, this strain of legislating God’s Will™ via Republican policies goes back up to Heaven where it belongs.

The Religious Right had a really good run. They convinced otherwise sane people that God voted Republican and that Democrats only cared about the government financing their lifestyles of drugs, sodomy and bestiality. With the gay marriage debate and Sandy Hook, that script got retired. Say what you will about us, but Americans don’t want their children shot. If there’s a way to prevent that, we will find it. Anyone who gets in the way becomes a casualty. My guess is that any GOP House member that opposes some kind of gun control, no matter how mild mannered, will find a 2014 Democratic opponent plastering his face all over the district with the words “Child Killer” across his forehead. Any Democrat that doesn’t use a no-vote on gun control against a Republican opponent deserves to lose.

GOP: Background checks hurt our freedom!
Dem: So no background checks.
GOP: None!
Dem: So a terrorist operative can walk in off the street and buy an AR-15.
GOP: Er…
Dem: And a paroled murderer can pick up a Glock at a gun show and kill his prosecutor.
GOP: Um…
Dem: So no background checks.
GOP: Er…go back to Russia?

I used to think that its fiscal policies would kill the GOP and the Occupy movement would stir us up to reject this trickle-down bullshit once and for all. I’m not so sure anymore. Americans, while still overwhelmingly profess to believe in Jesus, find themselves looking at GOP social policies and asking, “Would Jesus really do that? Cuz I’m pretty sure that He wouldn’t.”

Organization like Christians Tired of Being Misrepresented have sprung up to reclaim God from the stranglehold the GOP put on Him. Their message is simple and clear – GOD judges, not the GOP.  They may consider America a Christian nation, but they understand that all Americans aren’t Christian nor should they be. In their paradigm, God gave his “children” free will. “Free Will” doesn’t not mean turning the Bible in House Bill #1. You make your choices. You die. God judges you.

Jesus, I’m told, died for my sins. I hope the GOP will, too, and whether that’s by suicide or crucifixion doesn’t really matter to me.

In Which I Write To Michelle Malkin

March 25th, 2013 No comments

Dear Ms. Malkin,

I was just reading the comments on your Facebook hatefest about Jim Carrey and I have a question. Before you answer, though, please read through a few

Joe Hebert- Hypocrites must absolutely hate the internet!!!
Faith Hisgen – I never liked carry anyway never saw a single movie he was ever in and would never want to he sucks as an actor … just makes me like him even less now!!
Pete Ayers – we the people put these filthy rich elitist scums where they are today and in turn they want to dictate us , screw you holly wood politicians ………

And, of course, my favorite

Frances Hollander – I’m so sick of Hollywood ignorance trying to ME what’s right!

Here’s my question – Are you actually proud that your job consists of throwing red meat to ignorant assholes that can barely put two words together, let alone turn those words into some sort of complex thought?

Almost every single comment comes to down to “FUCK JIM CARREY”. Personally, I find him annoying, but it’s one thing to say that and another to start a bonfire in the middle of the town square and to shout, “I THINK JIM CARREY  SHOULD BE THROWN ON THIS BONFIRE, DON’T YOU??”

I know you make a pretty good living as a hate monger. But do you ever look at your children as they giggle away at Ace Ventura – Pet Detective and wonder if it’s worth it?

In Which I Write An Open Letter To Bryan Fischer’s Producer

March 4th, 2013 No comments

Hey buddy!

Y U keep deleting my comments on ur fb page, huh? Oh. Right. Because pointing out egregious lies and innuendo makes me anti-God. Sorry about that!

See, it’s just that the Jesus that I grew up with had this weird thing about the truth. He was for it. So when your boss, Bryan, ejaculates into Focal Point the mic about how gays and Muslims will allow NO dissent WHAT…SO…EVER and then goes on to praise CPAC for not inviting Christ Christie to the hate rally because he’s not ideologically pure enough…well, the Jesus I grew up with calls bullshit. And, even though I no long believe in Jesus, I haven’t stopped believing in the truth. I still have a fondness for him in my heart despite your efforts to turn him into a gun-totin’, libertarian he-man who punches fags in the mouth and sucker punches liberals.

You left a sweet response to someone saying that my accounts were only created for harassment.  Given that, let me tell you a quick story about this other guy who people found harassing.

Seems that in “olden days” these businessmen were in the public square doing what businessmen do – business. So this freak comes up and starts yelling at them to get out and they’re like, “DUDE, CHILL. We’re just doing business here like we always have. What’s your problem??” And the freak says, “you guys are in my dad’s house and he doesn’t like it” and the businessmen are like “DUDE, stop harassing us” and the freak starts screaming about truth and duty and honor and the businessmen are like, “whatever” so they leave.

I’m not gonna lie. I enjoy debunking your bullshit. There IS no biblical mandate for marriage in the Bible and the only reference you can come up with is a passage about divorce. That’s called a lose. You’re pulling your hair out because you think the Emergency Manager Law in Michigan acts as the precursor to the fascism. You’re right. And when I point out that the governor and legislature that enacted that bill both pay allegiance to the GOP, you delete and ban me. When I make a completely factual statement that if you obeyed the 9th Commandment your show would be two minutes long – you banned me. When you post a “prayer” asking for God to

“Remind us not to be alarmed when we hear of wars and rumors of wars, of nation rising against nation, of kingdom rising against kingdom, or when we hear of famines and earthquakes in various places” and then start pissing yourself because Iran might have a nuclear weapon, you’re acting like a fucking idiot and you deserve to be called out on it. NOT to harass you, but to help you see this little thing that Jesus called “the truth”.

And the truth is that you’re a fucking idiot. Any rational reading of the Bible runs counter to pretty much everything you say.

But it’s more than just your idiocy. It’s your blatant cowardice. To wit –

Grant us courage so that we may be willing, if necessary, to be persecuted and hated because of you.

Now you’re saying I’m harassing you…let’s even say persecuting you. This prayer make you look like a whiny little douchebag that plays with dolls. You’re asking God for the courage and then immediately go into your Chris Crocker impression crying LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOOOOONE and furiously pounding the delete key.

Did I call you a douchebag yet? Damn, I did.

Here’s the thing – you claim Jesus hung on cross in unbearable pain to make you clean. Man up and start acting like he gives you strength instead of running away like the little bitch-boy you are.

In Which Marco Rubio Heartily Deserves The Mockery He’s Getting

February 13th, 2013 No comments

rubiohitler

It’s being called the “sip heard round the world”, which is kind of a stupid moniker, but apt. No one thought that anyone could outdo Michelle Bachmann for Worst Performance During a GOP State of the Union response, but Rubio pulled off the upset.

But all of this mockery, the wingnuts whine – HE WAS JUST THIRSTY! Why can’t you leave Marco ALONE?? That’s a great question!

There are a few answers:

– Lying comes with physiological side effects such as sweating and dry mouth. If you’re choosing someone who still has the trace of a soul, they might experience some of those. Liberals simply want to point this out.

– If wingnuts want to jump on every single mistake Obama makes and hold it up as proof of his incompetence, that’s a two-way street. Obama said “57 states” so he’s not qualified to be president? Perfect. Take you lumps and move on, lil wingnut. Better yet, STFU and go pay attention to your kids. They’re not going to beat themselves, ya know.

– It’s just really fucking funny.

The most important answer, though, is less obvious. Water-Bottle-Gate acts as a great metaphor for the GOP. They have no plan. They are not prepared. In short, they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. The GOP response to the SOTU provides a perfect opportunity to for the GOP to come out swinging – to bash that Kenyan, Socialist, Commie, Marxist, Islamo-Atheist where it hurts. Even among Democrats, there’s a lot to criticize. If you’re the opposition, this should be like T-Ball. What Rubio showed is that the GOP can’t even hit a ball that’s resting on a pedestal. Rather, they swing, hit the pedestal, the bat bounces back, the batter loses control of the bat and it smacks a five-year old right between the eyes leaving the kid brain damaged. Yes, it was an accident. Yes, it probably won’t happen again. No, you don’t get to walk away blameless.

And you certainly don’t make that kid the manager of the team.

Understand this – it’s not about the lies that Rubio spewed. It’s not about leading off with some bizarre pro-life message as the first point out of your mouth. It’s about the fact that the GOP could not properly stage manage possibly the biggest opportunity to talk to the American people. Wingnuts say it’s just a glass of water, a minor detail overlooked. That’s true. Guess what? Minor details are important. Kinda like having an exit strategy for wars you plunge the country into. Or thinking through the various attacks that might rise up if you choose to run ruthless, rudderless businessman for president.

There should be a protocol in place to deal with, say, the speaker needing a drink. Or going all flop-sweaty. There wasn’t. “Meh, Why should he need a sip of water when he’s addressing 10’s of millions of people?”

For his part, Rubio handled himself with the confidence of…a really bad confidence man. Rather than say, “excuse me, America”, take his sip of water, say “thank you” and continue, Rubio looked like a little boy trying to get away with shooting a spitball at the teacher…while the teacher was looking directly at him.

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And if it couldn’t have gotten any worse, the camera follows him down like some puppy dog saying, “OOOH! What’s he DOING, huh? What’s he DOING?! Is he gonna get a ball?? What’s he DOING??!”

With the advent of the teabaggers, the GOP, once reliable for its staid dullness and ploddingly deliberate actions, turned into some bizarre freshman high school reality show.

So, why don’t we leave Marco alone? Three words: You Built That.

(Here’s my own contribution to Rubio Tuesday)

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In Which Opinion Isn’t Fact And I Coined The Word “Fauxopinion”

October 27th, 2012 No comments

Quiz time! Which of these statements fall under the category of fact.

  1. Water is wet.
  2. Water makes makes plants grow.
  3. Water makes me want to vomit.
  4. Water in a basement can grow mold.

Who chose number three? You’re voting for Romney, aren’t you.

I do my best to stay away from hyperbole because it’s the ONE THING I THINK THAT WILL DESTROY THE COUNTRY and it gets boring to hear that every single election is the MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN OUR LIFETIME. All elections are important and it’s time to stop hyperventilating every two year over them. As Tommy Lee Jones says in Men In Black, “the world is always about to end.”

Still. A new brand of stupid emerged from the 2012 election. Let’s call it Fauxpinion. Fauxpinion is when you state an opinion as fact which you cannot back up with fact but only with more opinion. I offer the following example.

This is the current cover of my Facebook page. I rearranged it from Rape Babies For Romney. The current GOP party platform advocate 14th Amendment rights to…um…fetuses. It’s on page 14.

We support a human life amendment to the Constitution and endorse legislation to make clear that the Fourteenth Amendment’s protections apply to unborn children.

This is what’s called a “fact”. That means “something that actually exists; reality; truth“.

Used in this way, the 14th amendment bestows “Personhood” on a fetus so that abortion literally becomes murder. It doesn’t matter how the sperm meets the egg – consensual sex, rape, incest – the nanosecond the egg is fertilized, it’s a person and aborting it means you’re a legal murderer. No. Srsly. It does.

Knowing this, the graphic points out that this sweet adorable girl who got raped by someone must carry that pregnancy to term. She must have that baby. Again, going off of the GOP platform which provides no exception for any complicating factor (rape, incest, life of the mother) the law would legally obligate the girl to deliver a child. If she dies in childbirth – tough. She had 13 good years and that fetus only had 6-9 months. Aborting it would not only be selfish but punishable.  What kind of punishment? Um…ya know…punishment…like…ya know…punishment. I guess this could be anywhere from docking her allowance to the electric chair. No one really wants to go on record about the punishment part.

In response to this graphic, a wingnut posted the following. No words. Just the link.

 http://www.usnews.com/opinion/blogs/mary-kate-cary/2012/10/26/lena-dunham-ad-shows-obama-thinks-women-are-dumb 

It references this Obama campaign ad which saucily insinuates that voting has parallels to the first time you were raped.

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The title of this piece is pretty self-explanatory. It appeared as a news article in US News and World Report. JK! It’s an editorial. An editorial is not fact. It is an opinion; an argument as to how to interpret facts. They may have facts in them but they are not in and of themselves fact.

It honestly took me aback. An slightly slutty Obama ad bears no relation to forcing a 13 year-old to have a baby and I said as much. And this is where the Fauxpinion comes in.

Mr Wingnut’s reply

I just met opinion with your opinion piece. Don’t get your ball’s twisted in a knot.

Well then!

It’s kind of the perfect wingnut response – ignorant of the issue discussed and ending with some statement s/he thinks is clever and demeaning when it’s really neither. You would have to work pretty hard to make the Obama ad dovetail with rape babies.

But more importantly, the word choices leap off the charts – I just met opinion with your opinion piece. This is the state of wingnuttery – “Herrr derrrrp! Sumbuddy sed sumthin I don’t agree wid so I’M gonna say sumthin that THEY don’t agree with and I win! Herrrrrp derrrrp!” This wingnut truly seems to believe that debate has no set rules. They believe that this to be intelligent debate.

Sane Person: Over the past two years, the GOP has actively worked to limit a woman’s right to choose.

Wingnut: SQUIRREL! Why don’t you go bang your [same sex partner].

Sane Person: Here’s a detailed argument proving what I said.

Wingnut: I LIKE STUCCO!

I’m not joking. Well, maybe a little bit. I’ve…”debated” is overstating it…chatted with this guy before.  A few months ago he came on my page calling me a pussy for getting tired of arguments like the one above and banning someone. It went something like this. (And, yes, this is humorous paraphrase for effect.)

Mark: YOU BIG PUSSY! YOU LIBS ARE ALL THE SAME!!

Me: Whatever. I got tired of her posting stuff on my wall and not be allowed to annoy her back.

Mark: PUSSY! Now you have to deal with ME! And I play hard ball. Let’s have a nice fact based debate.

Me: Sure. Go ahead.

Mark: Barack Obama is a Socialist Marxist Muslim who is hell bent on destroying America.

Me: I thought this was going to be about facts.

Mark: THAT IS A FACT, YOU DICKSMOKER!

Me: Bye.

Mark: PUSSY!!

Given that he used “pussy” three times, I assume he felt he coup d’grace was “dicksmoker.” Either way, he felt that he won.

One last note – Fauxpinion shouldn’t be considered a hack of “Faux News”. It’s more along the lines of a square is a rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square. And it shouldn’t be considered the sole domain of wingnuts, either, because the left does it too and I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it. That said, the split on Fauxpinion runs about 70/30, heavily favoring wingnuts…the dicksmokers.

In Which A Corner Seems To Have Been Turned

June 1st, 2011 No comments

What wingnuts want (and xtians and radical muslims, too) more than anything else in life is to rule the world. So strong is their belief in the correctness of their world-view that everyone else has the obligation to kill themselves or convert.

Before going on, let me explain why liberals aren’t on the list. Liberals are cats: they do what they want, when they want and regardless of the desire of the other cats. For that reason, liberal fascism is an oxymoran. (And, yes, I misspelled that on purpose.)

Teabaggers are a slow lot and for that reason, technology scares them. But, like cavemen discovering fire, they eventually get less scared and figure out how to harness it. Judson Phillips over at Tea Party Nation figured out that sending out an email every three hours with a scary subject line such as “USA RIP” and a body that reads something like

America died today. It no longer exists. What happened to America? Click here to find out.

drives up his web traffic and thus his sales of “Teabagging for Dummies” and Ayn Rand pacifiers.

What’s the point of all of this? Read about it here!

The ever entertaining Christian Newswire recently delivered the following press release.

DES MOINES, Iowa, May 31, 2011 /Christian Newswire/ — Tea Party News Brief, LLC is the nation’s first nonpartisan news service for the Conservative Movement with an animated news show with news anchor, Ava. The Tea Party News Brief now provides daily news alerts on www.Twitter.com/TPNewsBrief. (Emphasis added)

Hopefully, you spotted the anachronism.

What does this mean? I emailed Dr. Jessica Davis to find out.

I’m having trouble understanding this. Are there now partisan factions within the Conservative Movement? And if so, what are they?

Surprisingly, she wrote back.

Thank you for your question. The premise is that both Democrats and Republicans are involved in this 21st century Conservative Movement.  We have common ground, the core beliefs identified on www.TeaPartyNewsBrief.com. The mission of @TPNewsBrief is to provide nonpartisan information so our citizenry can make educated decisions versus being told what to think. We have very few legitimate news services any more. Our mainstream news services are clearly partisan. We can do more together. We can hold more accountable for their decisions if we work together.  I invite you to follow us on twitter and the website for a full understanding of what we are trying to do as a new source of nonpartisan conservative information. I hope this is helpful. (Emphasis added)

Really? Democrats are involved the Conservative movement? Maybe I’m running with the wrong Democrats but I’ve yet to hear one call Obama a socialist. Or compare him to Hitler. Or to claim that he’s from Kenya.

Once upon a time, say, three years ago, the “Tea Party” stood for fiscal responsibility. Or so they said. To that end, good for the Tea Party. It quickly became a front for anti-Democrat and anti-Obama demagoguery. Tea Parties rapidly filled up with racist and Nazi paraphernalia.  Ask a teabagger why they weren’t pissed off about government waste during the bush administration and they won’t and can’t answer you.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time trying to rationalize how you can have “non-partisan” news about the “conservative movement”. I keep coming up short. Reagan’s 11th Commandment “Thou shalt not speak ill of any Republican” consistently gets in the way. Reagan, as the father of the modern conservative movement, would not allow non-partisanship. Take this clip from the GOP’s 1984 convention

Her comment about having “very few legitimate news services any more” piqued my interest. So, I asked

What is regarded as a legitimate news service

She responded in a Sphinx-like manner. That is, if the Sphinx were actually a hologram that you could see through and looked like Sarah Palin

If you follow the tweets, you will see that a news source is a source that provides the facts not commentary as if it is fact. If we provide commentary, we try to make it very clear that we are providing commentary. News is what, where, and when?  If you have enough information, you can make your own conclusions.

Dr. Jessica Davis

P.S. I challenge you to analyze the next news program you see with this criteria and tell us what you conclude. Are they providing news or commentary? If they provide commentary, is it presented clearly as such?

The answer to “What is regarded as a legitimate news service?” contains actual new services rather than some vague statement of condemnation for the “lame stream media”. It seemed obvious that straight answers and non-partisanship don’t mix. Ever the optimist, I wrote back.

My question was – what do you consider a legitimate news source.  Are you doing original reporting? If not, which new source will you rely on to be factual?

Can you guess her response? Can you? I bet you can’t. Come on. Click that PayPal button, drop in $5 and bet me that you know her response.

Thank you for your inquiries. This is our last individual response to you at this time given the limitation of our time. However, I again invite you to follow us on Twitter and www.TeaPrtyNewsBrief.com. As you already know, the best news is going to the source directly. Again, we have appreciated your questions tonight.

Shit. I owe you $5.

Given that my audience appeared ended, I threw in the towel

Thank you for not answering my question in a factual and straight forward manner.

NOTE: I would, in the interest of non-partisanship, like to point out that I spoke with the Dr. Jessica Davis the theologian and NOT Dr. Jessica Davis who is in manure management.

In Which Jesus Is Not An Objectivist

April 20th, 2011 No comments

[Note: The audio version of this will be available sometime soon on The Pod Delusion. Thanks to Salim Fahdley and James O’Malley for that.]

The impending release of the film version of Atlas Shrugged reminds me of one of the lowest, darkest and most desperate periods in my life. Actually reading Atlas Shrugged.

Looking back, I realize that I fit the social demographic perfectly – I was emotionally retarded.  Just out of high school, friends with a lot of girls but with no girlfriend and having turned my back in mild defiance of Christianity, I desperately searched for some reason to explain why I always wound up on the losing end of things when I felt as if I gave so much. 21st century me now knows that I was simply an enabling co-dependent with low self-esteem and the solution lay in the halls of Al-Anon, a therapist’s office and perhaps some serotonin inhibitors.

20th century me, however, grabbed for the biggest, longest and most unwieldy book I could find to make me not feel stupid. At that point, it could have been any book, but it turned out to be Atlas Shrugged. During the summer of 1980 I devoured every line and possibly even masturbated to the image of sharp-featured, dominatrix Dagny Taggart. I knew nothing about objectivism  or Ayn Rand or what a miserable human being she was. All I knew was that, finally, I found good, concise, well-reasoned reasons to tell the rest of the world to fuck off.  I was, at last, better than everyone else.

And I’m terribly, terribly sorry for that.

If, for some unknown reason, you plan to see movie version of Atlas Shrugged, it’s important to arm yourself with this key fact – Rand was a loser who wrote books for losers. Objectivism isn’t so much about strength as it is about not being perceived as weak.  It’s about BIG talk and BIG ideas and BIG actions that can only exist in a self-deluded world of fiction where silly things like “fact”, “logic” and “the laws of gravity do not exist.

Which is another way of saying it’s the perfect Republican bible.  Or would be if Republicans didn’t already have a bible.  But they do. And it’s called “The Bible”

And the two books simply cannot co-exist in the same philosophical space. Sorry.  Just can’t happen. It’s like matter annihilating anti-matter – it ends in an explosion of stupidity and schizophrenia, which, now that I think about it, is the current definition of the Republican party.

If you’re unfamiliar with either books, here’s a brief synopsis.

The Bible: Book one –  God makes everything. He tells the Jews they’re the chosen people and to obey him. They don’t.

The Bible: Book Two – God takes a different tack and decides to rule by guilt. He kills his son, a nice young man who tells us to love each other and help the poor, and condemns us to Hell if we don’t continually thank him for that. And then the world ends.

Atlas Shrugged – The world is going to hell, so all the smart people leave and set up their own cool kids club in a magical pristine canyon that nobody can find. They live happily ever after never having to care about poor people or clean up after the mess they helped create.

Notice any areas of dichotomy there?

Jesus –  And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

John Galt –  Fuck the poor

Jesus –  Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go [and] sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come [and] follow me.

John Galt –  Fuck the poor

Jesus –  Gimme some loaves and fishes and everybody eats

John Galt – If you think you’re getting any of MY food, think again, leech.

This is why America is so totally screwed right now – Right-wing Christian teabagging Republicans have the ideological hots for an amphetamine-addicted, atheist adulteress.  The party that damn near closed my government down because women shouldn’t have the right to abortion because God don’t like it reaches for the Viagra when they read Atlas Shrugged. The party that whines about gay marriage as an affront to God has no such problem when it comes to Ayn Rand. The party that spits on me because I’m not Christian swallows when it comes to Ayn Rand.

After all, I’m not the one that said “Faith is the worse curse of mankind, as the exact antithesis and enemy of thought.” That was Ayn Rand

In Which The Key To Credibility Is The Prefix “Ex”

April 4th, 2011 No comments

Yesterday, I watched a clip of Louie “I Used To Be A Judge” Gohmert embarrassing himself by yelling at Anderson Cooper about Terror Babies. (HT to Beverly Russell)

What are Terror Babies? Generally, the term refers to other people’s children but in this case it refers to the babies of Muslim Extremists who travel to the US for the express purpose of giving birth in the US so that the child gets a US passport. After that, and I’m totally making a guess here since Gohmert doesn’t seem to know either, the proud, evil parents strap a bomb onto the new born and blow up a New Horizons day care center.

How does Gohmert know this? Because an ex-FBI agent told him. Which ex-FBI agent? Apparently, that’s none of our goddamn business. Does the FBI actually believe this? According to a statement given to CNN, no.  But it’s true because an ex-FBI agent to him.  Did Gohmert actually talk to the FBI about it? What’s the point? “On 9/10, the FBI would have said the same thing about an attack on America.” Which is true because the FBI deals mostly with domestic stuff. It’s the CIA that released the “Bin Ladin Determined To Strike in US” info that bush ignored.

Speaking of the CIA – Now another ex, this time an ex-CIA agent, the vaguely foreign sounding Kent Clizbe, has written a hard-hitting article for NewsMax with the damning title of Ex-CIA Operative: Obama Never Properly Vetted. And when I say “article” I mean “poorly written and reasoned piece of shit”. BUT. He’s an ex-CIA agent so it’s gotta be true.

This power of this kind of PWARPOS rests in the presumption that the reader a) believes the premise and b) won’t actually read the PWARPOS since if they did they’d dismiss it immediately. The outline goes like this

  1. Trust me, I’m an ex-CIA guy and I can sneak up on ninjas.
  2. I have vetted people in the past. EXECUTIVE people. In the private sector.
  3. I vetted a tea party candidate and found out he was a scumbag. Hm. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
  4. A lying, thieving scumbag in the private sector isn’t the same thing as having a president who’s a lying, thieving scumbag like we have now.
  5. The media went NUTS vetting everything about John McCain.
  6. Obama was not vetted properly because he got elected.
  7. We need a professional vetter to make sure Obama never gets elected again.
  8. Commies are evil.

The slight of hand happens in these two back to back paragraphs:

In the 2008 presidential election, candidates were vetted by the press in varying degrees. The media examined, analyzed, and publicly evaluated them. They explored in detail John McCain’s personal wealth, marriage, place of birth, mental stability, and other important issues. McCain cooperated, provided documents, and answered questions.

On the other hand, Barack Obama’s background remains nearly a blank slate. His school records, from kindergarten to law school, remain hidden. The story of his financial support is hidden — his private elementary and high school in Hawaii, his international travel, his graduate and undergraduate tuition and living expenses, and more. And these are just the beginning of the Barack Obama vetting failure.

Who vetted McCain? The media. Who vetted Obama? I’m not going to tell you that but they didn’t do a very good job. What criteria did the media use to vet McCain? Everything. What criteria did this non-existent vetting organization use to vet Obama? A completely different set of criteria. Did McCain cooperate? Yes. Did Obama cooperate? Obviously not because the lying thieving scumbag get elected.

How does someone who wrote an autobiography qualify as a blank slate? How, when you use the information he provided in the autobiography against him, does he qualify as a blank slate? And who the hell would want to read an autobiography that included a chapter “My Kindergarten Records” or “Filling Out My Financial Aid Forms For Harvard”?

The most disturbing aspect of attempts to vet the mystery candidate was the Obama camp’s vigorous response. Their stereotypical response is nearly as damning as any information that could be revealed: Admitting nothing, denying everything, and making counteraccusations, the vetting of candidate Obama continues.

Good point. bush still hasn’t properly addressed his military service or the issues of his drug use. Obama did. In writing.

In the end, Clizbe believes we need a professional vetter. Who is this person? Do we create another layer of federal bureaucracy, increasing the size of government and bilking the tax payer out of his paycheck? Or do we subcontract the job out to some non-partisan company like Blackwater/Xi.

Oh! I get it. We should hire Kent Clizbe!

In Which Citizens United Agreed With Everything I Said

May 22nd, 2010 No comments

So I just got a call from Citizens United asking me to listen to a message from Dick “Dick” Morris and then respond to a  “critically important” 1 question survey. Why not?

“Dick” came on the line and pimped the book he’s writing about how to take back America. Blah, blah, blah socialist…blah blah blah disarm the military…blah blah blah…WHUH?? Death panels? Did he really just say death panels? Why, yes. Yes, he did say death panels. That’s sooo 2009.

I knew I was going to wait for the survey, but the question was: How to respond? Should I talk to the little wingnut fucktard rationally? Should I say “fuck you” and hang up? Or…

[Rough transcript]

Sheila: Hi, Mr. Day? Did you hear the message all right?

Me: Yup.

Sheila: That’s great. So we have just one question to ask you. Do you agree with Barack Obama when it comes to socializing medicine, disarming the troops and promoting socialism in America?

Me: All in one question?

Sheila: [laughs uncomfortably] Would you like to take them one at a time?

Me: Yeah.

Sheila: Ok. What about socializing medicine?

Me: I think those death panels are disgusting.

Sheila: They are.

Me: I’ve heard from people that they can send someone over to my grandma’s house in the middle of the night, yank her out of bed by the hair, throw her in a van and then shoot her.

Sheila: They can.

Me: How can anyone DO that? I mean…how can you be the kind of person who –

Sheila: Well, his little….his…um…his…ya know…um…”small circle of friends” up there in Washington –

Me: Do you think they’ll shoot her themselves??

Sheila: Noooo…I doubt it. They’ll probably hire hitmen but they won’t call them that. They’ll cal them something nicer.

Me: That’s right!

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Sheila: Sure!

Me: Do you think they’ll have sex with the dead corpse of my grandma?

Sheila: I really don’t know

Me: I bet they will.

Sheila: Uh huh. What about disarming the military?

Me: I’ve heard that the whole reason they’re using GPS for the census is because when Obama lets the UN forces invade America that won’t be able to speak English so they’ll need to use GPS co-ordinates in order to find the house of Christians in order to kill them.

Sheila: Uh huh. I don’t doubt it. What about the troops?

Me: What’s Obama done for the troops, anyway? NOTHING.

Sheila: That’s right. All he’s done is ship more of them out!

Me: That’s right! And with what? NOTHING! He’s shipping out unarmed soldiers and putting them into harm’s way without any way to defend themselves.

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: He’s disgusting! How are we supposed to win the war on terror if he’s sending MORE troops over to Iraq and Afghanistan? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Sheila: (starting to catch on) Um….

Me: And how will they fight the Taliban when they’re unarmed? Huh? How?

Sheila: Uh….Yeah. I’d like to thank you for your feedback and

Me: Go fuck yourself, asshole.

In Which The Teabaggers Brag About The Great Big Shiny Nickel They Got

May 17th, 2010 No comments

“Hey! A big piece of tin foil! Am I lucky or WHAT?”
Pee Wee Herman

This is one of my favorite lines from the original staged version of the Pee Wee Herman show. And if you haven’t seen it, then stop reading this and find it by hook or by crook. It’s a wonderful funny and real moment, capturing the joy and innocence of being a kid (albeit one that jerks off in movie theaters). I remember getting giddy finding a stash of rubber bands lying around and spending the next 3 hours working on my rubber band ball. I loved that feeling – the feeling of accomplishing something absolutely pointless, useless and selfish that did nothing to benefit society in any way shape or form.

Hey. Wait a minute. That sound like the teabaggers! “Hey! A big piece of hubris! Am I lucky or WHAT? Last week we had four people show up to protest BIG BROTHER trying to keep our food supply safe and this week we have FIVE people! WE’RE A MOVEMENT!” As any good ad-man knows if you even have one new person that shows up at an organized gathering, even to gawk, you can de facto say that the movement is growing. Nevermind the fact that you had to bus people in from out of state to make it happen (this after to you condemned ACORN for…um…bussing people from out of state). It’s all good fun until somebody loses an election.

I understand the paradigm. Really I do.  When I start pushing triple digits on this blog, I start getting…well, I get excited. However, I’m not claiming I have a hope in hell of changing public policy and that at some point in time the numbers will drift downward.   It’s called “facing reality” and the teabaggers, like Pee Wee Herman get big pleasure in small things…and then go and jerk off in theaters.

What have they got to crow about? Take a look!

You can see the power of the people in the results from our fundraising drive for Conservative Republican Sharron Angle’s campaign to Defeat Harry Reid.

While Reid and other establishment candidates get their money and funding from lobbyists, special interest groups and big corporations, we here at the Tea Party Express have asked individual Americans to step forward and help give Sharron Angle a fighting chance to get her message heard.

The response has been overwhelming.  You simply won’t believe it unless you see it with your own eyes.

Take a look at the list of people who have contributed $100 or more in just the past 5 days and see how we are using real grass roots power to take our country back!

Hm. Asking individual citizen for small amounts of money so you can avoid corporate lobbyists? I’m not sure but I think I’ve heard of that strategy before. But when? No matter, I’ll figure it out.

Still – an overwhelming response? Man! Good for you! That’s just great!  You guys must’ve really cleaned up. If Michelle Bachman’s opponent in the 2008 congressional race picked up a cool $438,000 for a congressional race in 24 hours, I can just imagine how much you guys came up with in 5 days.

Oh. I forgot the last part of the email

We have a long way to go to reach our goal for this $150,000 Money Bomb by Friday evening.  If you can support this fundraising drive with a contribution of $100 or more contribute  – HERE.

You didn’t reach $150,000 in five days? That’s just $30,000 a day.  And what a “money bomb”? And you’ve still got “a long way to go”? Um…being pathetic in front of your base is NOT a good way to sell your ideology. Still, they put a brave face on. I won’t bother to reprint the names of the 301 people that, over course of five days (aka: 60/day) contributed $100 or more since the teabaggers already did that.  What I will print is just how much these brave, brain damaged patriots coughed up.

$35,359

Seriously. As they didn’t print the final total, I guess they have some self-respect, although not much.

$35, 359. That’s a little over a fifth of their “money bomb” goal. Even better – They didn’t even get money from all 50 state.  Most notably and hilariously – Alaska!

Think about that for a second: No money came from Alaska. None. Or at least not in a chunk bigger than $99. Follow my logic on this

IF no money came from Alaska
AND Sarah Palin, the current Heather of the teabaggers, comes from Alaska
THEN Sarah Palin is too cheap/greedy/opportunistic/avaricious to give back to those who give to her.

Which, I guess makes sense because that’s what the teaparty comes down to – getting the rubes in the door, fleecing them and kicking them out of the street.

In order to reach their Friday goal they’ll have to scrounge up $29,000 a day. Given that about 84% of the donations were the $100, they’re gonna have to do a whole lot of teabagging to catch up. I guess they could try to get Sarah Palin to do a fundraiser for free but we all know that that’s not going to happen.

Oh, and if you’re curious about the 9 dollars – that’s because Gerard from Alameda, CA sent in $189. I’m guessing he kept that other $11 for overhead.

That’s what Dick Armey would do.