You’ve just spent $57,000 to buy the jacket Sarah Palin wore on the cover of “Goin’ Rouge”. What do you do with it?
A: Give to your wife as a Christmas present
B: Resell it
C: Put it in an unused bathroom
D: Hermetically seal it and keep it at Iron Mountain
The answer is, of course, C. Which is pretty hilarious.
To hear the teabaggers speak of Palin, you’d think that owning her jacket might come close to owning an artifact of some saint – like one of Mother Theresa’s ovararies. But, instead, motivational speaker and xtain, John G. Miller, spent $57,000 to throw it in an unused bathroom.
Hardly a place of honor or respect. In fact, as Miller points out, “I hope that someone doesn’t wash their face and dry it on the jacket!”
Let’s make sure we understand the set up – John G. Miller, father of seven kids, spent $57,000 to buy Sarah Palin’s jacket. It fits his wife “perfectly” but she won’t wear it. Maybe she doesn’t like red. Who knows? Either way, it’s taken out of commission as something useful. It’s been robbed of its purpose. It’s not even special enough to take care of. Instead, it hangs silently in a bathroom, something to take a look at while you’re shitting out today’s lunch. Even a book of bathroom jokes conveys more utility on the owner than Sarah Palin’s jacket. He doesn’t even care enough about it to put it on display in the living room when his wingnut friends come over to pray for God’s removal of Obama from office.
“Hey! What’s that?!”
“Sarah Palin’s jacket. The one she wore on the cover of “Goin’ Rouge.”
“Wow! That’s really inspiring!”
“She’s got such great ideas and I really admire her”
The jacket, like the teabaggers, exists as, literally, an empty suit. It’s not useful. It contributes nothing. It means nothing. It doesn’t show devotion to the cause. Instead, like those who ponied up $400-700 just to show up at the “convention” it simply says “I’m rich enough to be part of a grassroots movement of ‘ordinary’ people.”
It’s placement in the bathroom says the jacket means shit.
I keep this site ad-free for the half-dozen or so folks that stop by. There’s really no reason for me to do a fund drive but, since I’m headed down to the North Carolina Comedy Festival next week for my first comedy festival and I’d like to not sleep under bridges and dumpster dive, if you’ve got a few dollars lying around just taking up space, why not consider funding the arts? You’ll get a lovely thank you email and, if you’d like, a copy of either “Songs To Stop People From Bein’ Gay” or “The Best Of The Hour Of Bein’ Good”! Downloadable OR on a brand new shiny CD with a label and everything! Srsly!
Use the PayPal donation thingy somewhere in the vicinity of here ———>
George, you’re right. I’m done responding to you. You had a pretty good troll there and then you fucked it up.
For those of you who are NOT George, allow me to explain. George showed up on my Facebook page spouting a very convincing liberal persona. He kept it up and slowly switched gears until he passed over into troll-land. And, after getting called out on it, continued. And still continues.
What is a troll? A troll can either be someone who just wants to stir up trouble and talk shit or, in my case, pushes the boundaries just over the borders of common sense to show wingnuts just how fucking insane they are. Of course, it works both ways, as George theoretically understands. I say “theoretically” since, despite giving him some coaching, he doesn’t quite understand.
The key is consistency. Know who you’re targeting and learn the lingo. In this case, it’s very important to color inside the lines so that the crossover into crazy-land makes sense.
He almost had it down. In a discussion about Scott Brown and voting he started off slow so that when he advocated that anyone in the US, legal or illegal, should be allowed to vote because everyone deserved representation because they were here…well, I had to scratch my head. It was crazy, sure, but the build felt so logical that I honestly couldn’t be sure.
But then he jumped the shark.
I don’t care how big a psychotic PUMA you are, if you’re still whining about Clinton not getting the nomination then you’re either mentally ill or a troll. More telling, you’re NOT going to refer to Obama as “Barry O”. Nor would a non-vagina-ed liberal feminist take a potshot about a guy watching Project Runway “in a snuggie sipping tea”. A non-vagina-ed liberal would be more likely to pull up a comforter and crack open some Robert Bly.
Another tip: Get some history before you go live. That is to say, write a bunch of stuff FIRST to establish who you are BEFORE you start trolling. You need to build up your bona fides so that when you start friending/following people it looks like you’re real. If you’re serious about trolling then this shouldn’t be too hard. You already know your reason for trolling so full steam ahead! My suggestion is a couple of status updates/tweets a day for a couple of weeks. Then go live. Build your foundation first.
Also – know when to stop. Trolling is not baiting. Once you sense the target is bored, then find some new pastures to graze in. Nothing kills your troll like constant pestering. You start looking like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and no one likes to think about dead bunnies. Well…most people don’t like to think about dead bunnies. Your mileage, of course, may vary.
That said, it’s been nice not-knowing you. You’re more than welcome hurl whatever insults you care to at me. I won’t bother to block you. It’s really not worth it.
As to who you are, I’m guessing it begins with a D.
Let’s say that I believe so strongly that jaywalking presents such an imminent threat to society that draconian enforcement policies must be put in place or America will be destroyed. I come to the table and present my evidence showing that jaywalking increases the number of pedestrians hit by cars, which increases the number of broken bones, which increase ER visits, which increases the number of people who get addicted to oxycontin, which increases crime, which increases…well, you get the idea. I present my case passionately. I show myself to be a true believer and I will not back down until I single-handedly save America…with, of course the help of the lobbies for the companies that paint crosswalk lines.
Many boring hours later, I wrap up the presentation and open the floor for questions. A gentlemen stands up and asks, “what do you think should be done to jaywalkers?”
“Whatever you think is best,” I answer.
“No. I’m asking what YOU would do,” he responds.
“I’m saying that I’m comfortable with the penalty that you would impose,” I say politley.
“So, you don’t have an answer to the question,” he frowns.
“I’ve GIVEN you and answer to the question,” I tartly reply.
“No, you haven’t at all. Let me ask again: what do you think should be done to jaywalkers?”
“And I told you, simply and directly, that I would do whatever you thought was best. Are you pro-jaywalking? Do you think people should be allowed to cross the street wherever they want when the overwhelming evidence shows that it could lead to the destruction of America?”
“Look,” he sputters, “I…”
“YOU’RE the one not answering the question! What do YOU think should be done?! When you can tell me what YOU think would be done with jaywalkers then you will know MY answer, but instead, you stand there refusing to talk civilly about this issue instead, preferring to berate ME and…”
This goes on for twenty minutes until the man finally walks away. And I declared victory.
It might be worth noting that what I actually suggested is that we impose the same sanctions on those who engage in homosexual behavior as we do on those who engage in intravenous drug abuse, since both pose the same kind of risk of contracting HIV/AIDS. I’d be curious to know what you think should be done with IV drug abusers, because whatever it is, I think the same response should be made to those who engage in homosexual behavior.
I must insist that you listen to the whole thing. Everything you need to know about how completely fucked up xtians are gets wrapped up in one tidy package. Fischer lies and then refuses to listen to the refutation of those lies. Fischer, as Colmes points out to him, makes grand statements and then lacks the courage of his conviction to back those statements up. He plays circular logic games like the one above and, of course, talks over Colmes while Colmes tries to get through to him that they are coming up on break…which is even funnier because Fischer chides Colmes for doing that exact same thing at the top of the segment…and THEN demands respect “as a guest on your show.”
If you’re a student of the rhetorical tricks and semantic games that wingnuts (and sometimes liberals) use to avoid having to back up what they, this piece of audio is really all you’ll ever need to listen to. I despise the word “primer”, but that’s what it is.
In any other context, this might be the funniest Bob and Ray sketch ever written. Sadly, though, Fischer, though playing games, is deadly serious.
I posted the Scott Brown editorial as a Daily Kos diary making sure to tag it as satire because…well…it is. “Satire”, while not necessarily meaning “funny” implies the presence of something called “jokes”. “Jokes” are meant to produce “laughter” or “amusement”.
I’ve had other run-ins with my fellow liberals along these lines. I posted a video of Billy Bob singing “Killin’ Every Arab I See” with the chorus of
Killin’ every Arab I can see, see, see
Only way to set the country, free, free, free
To bring ‘em peace and give ‘em a democracy
Killin’ every Arab I can see, see, see
to the Huffington Post Viral Video contest a while back. I stood on a stage, in The Comedy Studio with the logo “The Comedy Studio” in back of me. During the set, people howled with laughter. At the end of the set, I got a huge round of applause. To the objective eye, it was a video of a guy doing stand up comedy, pretending to be a redneck. But not all eyes are objective and so I received the following email which still holds the rank of best…email…ever.
I hope you know they were laughing AT you and not WITH you!!!
Um. No. They were laughing with me. I was laughing at this guy and his inability to detach himself from his obsessions long enough to see that I was on his side.
As a liberal comic, it pains me to see liberals play into the stereotype of having no sense of humor at all. And, no, I don’t mean that all liberals walk around dissecting jokes until they lay limp and lifeless on the linoleum but, sweet fucking jesus, folks – lighten up!
In response to wondering if Brown might be Cuban, some charming person wrote
What makes you think you have to be born here to learn “proper” english? Isn’t Palin and others like her proof one can master English from birth better than those who are born and raised here?
What makes you think cosmetic surgery is a must? Is there A Cuban LOOK that is unique to Cuba and not like the USA where everyone or their ancestors come from somewhere else? Brown is not your average looking Norwegian (obviously not USA). What does an USA national look like? He’s not blonde or so-called white. The man is olive tone as is millions of people across the world and in Latin America.
People must stop thinking language, especially if it’s Spanish means you can’t have euro heritage.
/facepalms
But it doesn’t end there, of course. Although it’s not in the editorial, I do bring up the facts that looks can deceive, giving as proof Michael Jackson and Christine Jorgenson, the first successful male to female gender reassignment. It’s a good joke, I thought. Fairly obscure and smart. Even though I didn’t include it, some smart kossack brought the point up.
Grumpy Kossack 1: I don’t find this line of joking funny. So what if he was transgendered? There’s nothing wrong with that.
Me: You’re right there’s nothing wrong with it. So why would he hide it?
Grumpy Kossack 2: He would not be hiding anything if He declined to share his medical history. He would be protecting his own privacy, and he would be protecting himself from discrimination and violence. Transphobia is absolutely everywhere in American society, and it kills. Remember Duanna Johnson. Tortured by the Memphis PD for being black and trans. Killed by the Memphis PD for speaking up.
Yes, it’s true, of course. But that’s not the point. Nor was there any attempt to ridicule transgendereds. But let’s not let that get in the way of trying to hijack a thread to promote your own cause. Because, when you get down to it, even knock, knock jokes can be hurtful.
Knock Knock
Who’s there
Boo
Boo who
Don’t cry, it’s only a knock knock joke!
This hateful and discriminatory knock knock joke might push a manic-depressive to kill themselves. Shame on me for propagating it.
Since they left it alone, though, I can make as many Canada jokes as I want to.
The founding of America came from a very simple question – Why should we pay unfair taxes? From the seed of that seemingly innocuous question sprung the greatest country on the face of the earth, her trunk strong and her branches wide enough to protect the entire world.
And all from a very simple question.
Today, in 2010, another very simple question pops up here in the state of Massachusetts. It’s a question so trivial that some find themselves shocked at the mere asking of it. It’s a question that hurts no one. It’s a question that takes no time to answer. It’s a question that those of us who have nothing to hide would, if not welcome it, at least not run from. After all, who of us would not want to proudly and loudly proclaim that “I am a natural born citizen of the United States of America”?
Yet, some do. And, since he has not produced his long form birth certificate, Senator-Elect , Scott Brown (R-MA) appears to be one of those people.
One must wonder why. Is it out of arrogance and a sense of entitlement? Does he believe that such questions are below him? Is it out of contempt for the electorate of our great state of Massachusetts? After all, he ran on a platform of making the late Senator Ted Kennedy’s seat “The People’s Seat” and now that “The People” ask a very simple question, “Where is your long form birth certificate?” suddenly “The People” don’t seem to matter as much.
There is no proof that Scott Brown is a light skinned Cuban national that underwent cosmetic surgery and years of voice training to “pass” as an American? Yet. As of this writing, there is no proof that he is a deep cover Russian agent sent to infiltrate the US Senate from the inside? Is Scott Brown actually Canadian? We don’t know. We have not seen his long form birth certificate.
Many Brown defenders and apologists point out that you do not need to be a natural born US citizen to take your place on the Senate floor and, of course, they are right. But you do need to be a citizen. Scott Brown, for reasons unknown, refuses to produce any documentation to the general public to resolve the status of his citizenship. Doing so should take less than an hour. Even if he kept the original copy in one of his other homes, UPS ships anywhere in the world overnight.
We Americans are a generous and trusting people. We welcome our legally-processed and green-carded immigrants with open arms, doing everything in our power to make them feel comfortable and give them not a hand-out but a hand-up. If Scott Brown turns out turns out to be one of the fortunate few to live out the American Dream he need only look to his truck for confirmation that we accept him as one of our own.
Leadership in this great country of ours comes with great responsibility. Massachusetts put its trust in Scott Brown to do what’s best for our state. Scott Brown needs to earn that trust. And the simplest way to do that is to answer a very simple question – Where is your birth certificate?
Paul Day is founder of the non-partisan website, http://averysimplequestion.com
The meme about liberals goes that they possess no capacity to change their minds in the face of rational arguments. Present them with irrefutable facts, neo-cons say, and they steadfastly stick to the party line like Larry Craig to an airport gloryhole. Iraq was a slam dunk, so why the hell would liberals want to be such dicks? After all the war liberation would pay for itself, right? And probably would have if liberals had stopped yapping and got on board the bush-mobile.
But we wouldn’t. We hated America and freedom and God and KBR and no-bid contracts. What, my liberal brethren, were we thinking??
Thus, when Scott Brown pimped out his daughters to “anyone who’s watching throughout the country” my immediate liberal knee jerk reaction was to pick up my feng shui book (always on the coffee table) and cast out the bad vibes in the room. And then I renewed my NOW and ACLU membership. I spent the rest of the evening in fetal position hating God and the patriarchy.
This morning I jumped in the car and, for some reason, turned on WTKK (Boston Talks) and heard Michael Graham holding forth on how liberals (like me) could get so bent out of shape about a simple joke that any normal father in America would make about their daughters
And as always, I rely on Gail’s love and support and that of our two lovely daughters. So i want to thank Ayla and Arianna for their help as well. And just in case anyone who’s watching throughout the country they’re both available. No, no no. No. Only kidding, only kidding. Only kidding, only kidding. Arianna’s definitely not available. But Ayla is.
Party-line, brainwashed liberal that I am, I’d forgotten, as Graham pointed out that “this whole fathers-paying-for-their-daughter’s-marriage thing came from a time when daughters were hard to move merchandise.” I guess I hadn’t looked it that way. He took call after call from normal parent after normal parent assuring him that, no, he wasn’t crazy. Scott Brown simply showed his affection for his daughters by telling the country how fuckable they were…after some anonymous American married them first, of course.
“I’d love to find a nice guy for my daughter to hook up with,” one male caller told Graham, “and I mean ‘hook up’ in the old sense of the word, not, ya know, the…new one.” Hm. Did I miss an evolutionary step of the phrase “hook up”? Well, I’m old and married so why should I be following that.
A woman called up to say that she would do the exact same thing to her son.
Woman: Oh, all the time! If we were in Starbucks, I’d always say he was available.
Graham: Starbucks?
Woman: Yeah!
Graham: Starbucks? I mean…were you trying to hook him up with another guy?
Good point! You might find that statement assumptive but mothers frequently cause homosexuality in their sons and only gay men hang out in Starbucks. So…ya know.
By this time I’d hit redial on my cellphone about 58 times. Finally, I got through. The screener asked what my comment was and, still closed-minded, I said I found it really creep for Brown to pimp out his daughters like that. He told me to stay on the line.
So I did.
And as I did, I listened. I listened carefully. I opened my ears AND I opened my mind. And something odd happened – I understood. I saw it all very clearly in a way that my liberal brain, clouded by rationality and reason and reality-based media, could not see previously.
Scott Brown showed the ultimate affection to his daughters by embarrassing them on national television…because that’s what dads do. All dads. That’s our job. To embarrass our daughters in public. It made so much sense. As I reeled from this discovery, Graham picked up my call.
Graham: You’re on the air. What’s on your mind?
Me: Hey. You know, when I first called I planned on saying that this whole thing creeped me out – this whole pimping-your-daughter thing. But waiting on hold, I think I get it. You’ve really changed my mind about it.
Graham: That’s great! You got daughters?
Me: Yeah, two of ‘em
Graham: How old?
Me: 13 and 16.
Graham: (computing in his head) Yeeeeeeah, that’s just about the right age for you to start saying that kind of thing.
Me: Yeah, probably. But here’s the other thing I was thinking.
Graham: What’s that?
Me: See, it makes so much sense to me now. All he’s doing is showing appropriate love for his daughters…
Graham: …yeah…
Me: And he is who he is…
Graham: …right…
Me: …and if I were the kind of dad that posed nude in Cosom, I’d probably say that kind of thing, too. He just wants them to have what he had…
Graham: …huh?…
Me: Yeah, I mean, I’m hoping to see both of them in Playboy or Penthouse soon.
Graham: (blindsided but getting it) …HA!…that’s…
Me: …And I bet that he could help with that!
Graham: …that’s…that’s really funny
Me: I really do
Graham: (hangs up)
So, Scott – Larry Flynt is waiting for you and/or your daughters to call him. Because they’re really fucking HOTT, buddy. And every psycho in America knows they’re available. At least Ayla is.
Having grown bored of demonizing Kevin Jennings as proof that gays want to seduce kindergartners to create little mini-gays, Tony Perkins moves onto another Obama nominee – Errol Souther for head of the TSA. Why?
Because apparently one needn’t concern one’s self with anti-government racists and violent anti-abortionists. Extrapolating just slightly, the message plays something like
How can white people commit acts of terror? Only Muslims hate America. Muslim have dark skin. Therefore dark-skinned people hate America. Therefore white-skinned people don’t.
Things are so much easier with jesus, huh?
It’s a well know fact that god condones the killing of abortion doctors and that targeting the radical anti-abortion movement as “terrorists” is just communism in disguise. Not so well know, and kudo to Tony Perkins for pointing it out, is that targeting the Christian Identity movement as “terrorists” makes just as little sense. I mean, so you “identify” as a “Christian”, right? What’s the big deal?
Christian Identity is a religious ideology popular in extreme right-wing circles. Adherents believe that whites of European descent can be traced back to the “Lost Tribes of Israel.” Many consider Jews to be the Satanic offspring of Eve and the Serpent, while non-whites are “mud peoples” created before Adam and Eve. Its virulent racist and anti-Semitic beliefs are usually accompanied by extreme anti-government sentiments. Despite its small size, Christian Identity influences virtually all white supremacist and extreme anti-government movements. It has also informed criminal behavior ranging from hate crimes to acts of terrorism.
So, let’s be clear – by defending the Christian Identity movement, Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council which is the political arm of Focus on the Family, has no problem with people who see Jews as evil, blacks as mud people and the violent overthrow of the US Government. Check out the redundantly named Pastor Pete Peters, one of the leading lights of these fucktards.
And, just so you don’t leave with a bad taste in your mouth, here’s Pastor Pete telling an HI-larious joke during a sermon!
Hey, remember a couple of years back when some miserable fanatics flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon? Remember how wingnuts and xtians used the occasion to blame all of Islam because, effectively, the president of Islam didn’t condemn the attacks quickly, strongly or believably enough?
By that measure, the measure which they hold other religions to, all xtians believe Pat Robertson 100% that Haiti made a pact with the devil. True story.
“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it,” Robertson said on his Christian Broadcasting Network show. “They were under the heel of the French . . . and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’
“True story. And the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal,’ ” Robertson said. “Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”
How do we know this is true? Because in the 24hrs or so since Robertson vomited out his “blessing in disguise” not one xtian group has come forward to condemn him or his outward presentation of schizophrenia.
Christan Newswire is the place where xtians (and sometimes Christians) go to unleash their messages of love for homos, liberals, minorities and the current president. Want to know about some preacher planning to bury himself alive for three days so he can return with a revelation? This is the place to go. Concerned Women For America shows their concern for women by decry rape exclusions in abortion. The American Family Association keeps you updated on who to hate. Randall Terry releases statements that dead abortion doctors had it coming to them.
And all of them speak for God and God says Haiti made a deal with Satan.
I don’t know exactly how far gone you have to be to actually buy into that. Apparently, if you’re an xtian, not very far.
So why haven’t the condemnations of Robertson flooded Christian Newswire like Christ’s blood dripping down his body on the cross? Because you don’t call your rich grandfather a “fucktard”. The xtain community knows that Pat still holds a lot of power. Wanna take over the 700 Club? Wanna even be a guest on the 700 Club? Keep your mouth shut and nod…even when Grandpa calls you by the wrong name and tries to touch you when no one’s looking.
This kind of sin of commission (yes, D, I know it’s usually Catholic) is the kind of thing Christianity frowns on. All the more reason to call out fake xtians when they allow their “leaders” to denigrate the victims of tragedy fairy tales and lies.
Let me be clear – it’s not that xtians hate black people. They just hate people in general. After all, that’s what Jesus would do.
